Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
