Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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