Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
