she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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