I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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