Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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