Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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