Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
