i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
