Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I need moral support for this bender
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
