A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
