sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
