someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize