That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
