when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
