i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
