then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
