Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
