sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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