You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
