and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
