So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
do herpes really smell.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Alive.
So much puke
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
