Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
