I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
