Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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