matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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