I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
