I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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