Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
