just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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