She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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