Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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