can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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