so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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