My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
