Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
