Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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