i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
she woke up with a sticky ear
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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