i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize