i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize