i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
