I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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