So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
