You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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