Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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