made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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