I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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