Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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