So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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