I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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