dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
my being single is dangerous.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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