eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
