as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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