so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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