I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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