Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
