you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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