my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
