I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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