lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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