I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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